


Wizards Look Good in Spandex

by aliengirlguy



Series: Harry Potter Crossovers [12]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crazy Harry, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Master of Death Harry Potter, Multi, Other, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29764818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliengirlguy/pseuds/aliengirlguy
Summary: Harry James Potter and his aggrieved Guardian Severus Snape retire to a new world where Harry engages in the pass time of Spandex-watching. Being written for my own amusement. Warning: A few mentions of straight people, but don't worry they aren't a big part of the story.
Series: Harry Potter Crossovers [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/761253
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An old story of mine, currently unfinished that I'm posting here for the hell of it.

Harry loved this world!

He laughed as the French man in the ridiculously colorful spandex leaped fifty feet into the air with a bag of diamonds slung over his back saying “Leap!” unnecessarily in heavily accented French, taunting another individual in colorful tights (though not quite the eyesore of the first) who stuck to the walls by his fingers and toes, swinging after the first one using some sort of white stuff that made him look like an urban Tarzan out to join Cirque du Solei.

The laughing youth, unnoticed by the two foes continued to dangle from his upside down position from the lamp post he was currently perched on and laughed uproariously again when the two metahumans exchanged incensed one-liners as they battled one another.

Harry was utterly fascinated by Supers, whether dangerous or benign. It was the best part about this world in his opinion, well, outside some rather spectacular pizza and street meats. He couldn't have picked a more entertaining dimension to be forcibly retired to.

Since his arrival a month prior onto this new world, well universe really, and touching down in New York in particular after a two week harrowing trek across the Americas, he always made time out of his busy schedule of basic survival necessities to observe the various colorful individuals as they went about their, rather fricative, lives. A fruitful hobby because great Merlin their was a lot of them!

Harry loved the how utterly fabulous it all was. The ostentatiously fierce outfits, the self-involved monologues, the quips, the painful dance of battle, and the many, many ways that metahumans and aliens pretty much made mundane reality impossible in their presence! It was like he was dwelling in some overcrowded Saturday morning cartoon!

Unfortunately, the french man…what was he called again? The Jumper? Was a bit of a small fry Supervillain, even if he was one of the more entertaining ones, and the red and blue one…Bug Man? Spider Boy? Was somewhat competent at his job, if a little more quippy then some of his ilk, and a bit messy in the take down department.

Harry sighed as the rather short battle tapered off with the red and blue one…Spiderman! that’s it! swinging away after leaving the other stuck to a wall with a mass of webbing.

One of the ways Harry could also tell the severity of a battle was how the bystanders reacted, particularly in the big cities that had the highest presence of these superheroes and supervillains. This battle for example had only elicited some mild gawking more than anything, not even any ducking for cover among the populace. There was some occasional produce throwing in the direction of Spiderman and some cussing in Spiderman's direction, obviously not one of the popular ones, but otherwise unimportant in the grande scheme of everyday calamity apparently.

He wished that the general public in his old home could be so blasé.

Harry sighed again when he looked upwards and found a tall looming figure dressed all in black looking down at him from the base of his feet.

“I thought so,” the dark figure grunted, “out watching this insanity again? Don’t you have somewhere to be?” the dark figure tapped a foot, perfectly balanced on the slim metal curve of the street lamp.

Harry pouted, “but its so interesting!”

Harry bounced from his perch, bouncing off nearby walls, car roofs, and other lamp posts before coming to rest on a patch of wall right beside a Wide-Eyed Leaper's head (yes that was his name!).

“I’m sure it is,” Harry’s guardian drawled, unmoving from his perch nearby but voice as clear to Harry as if the man were standing right beside him“but you have something more important to attend to.”

Harry leaned forward his nose practicaly touching Leaper's own prominently long and pointy sniffer.

"Who the 'ell are you?" the Supervillian exclaimed, struggling uselessly in the confining webs.

 _"You fall so low but shoot so high/Big dreamers shoot for open sky"_ Harry hummed in the captive man's face (1).

"Éloigne-toi de moi, gamin fou!" Leaper exclaimed, leaning back into the brick as far as he could wondering why the police sirens in the distance were taking so long. (2)

"Potter!" came an annoyed bark, "stop tormenting that man and lets get going already! We are going to be late!"

Harry frowned confusedly for a moment before perking up and pulling back from the unnerved Frenchman “Oh yeah! I forgot!”

“Clearly,” the other grunted.

With that, the two figures disappeared from one blink to the next, leaving a very confused and disturbed Leaper behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) A line from the song "Rainbow" by Sia.  
> (2) Using a translator program from english to french Leaper is saying "Get away from me you crazy kid!"


	2. Chapter 2

The warning bell rang shrilly as Harry stared around him in fascination.

“So this is what a muggle high school looks like,” Harry hummed as he looked inside a random locker curiously, “They give students storage spaces for their things?! Huh. swanky!”

His guardian rolled his eyes, “only you would call mundane boxes of metal..that word.”

Harry smirked, “I love that there are some words your smooth Slytherin dignity wont allow you to say, and you accuse Gryfindors of being prideful oh Great Potions Master.”

Severus Snape sniffed primly, “you could do with a little more Slytherin poise yourself brat, do you even realize how many stares you’ve obtained in the past 5 minutes?”

Harry looked around himself, seeing that he was indeed garnering quite a few askance looks from the teenagers at their lockers nearby.

Harry grinned at the judging eyes and leaned forward towards the nearest knot students and cupped a hand next to his mouth as if he were about to impart a great secret. There was a beat of silence in the hall around his immediate vicinity then.

 _“_ _The time has come,' the walrus said, 'to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings”'_ (1)

Harry threw his head back and cackled at the flummoxed and consternated looks, skipping off towards the general direction of where he had been told was the main offices.

Harry continued to sing disjointedly, rolling his eyes at Severus’ dire warnings, even doing a bit of a jig and humming some random melody here and there as skipped down the crowded halls.

Ooo ooo ooo

Harry was pouting a few hours later in the Cafeteria.

Severus sighed in exasperation at the boy he had been saddled with looking after and again pointed out the obvious “I told you that the principal would comment brat.”

“I don’t see why it’s a big deal,” Harry grumbled.

“I keep telling you its unsanitary!” Severus snapped from his position reclined on the empty seats next to the youth, who unsurprisingly had a table all to himself for his first day.

"Your Principal was most aggrieved as I warned you he would be at your lack of shoes."

Harry sniffed, "Well, how was I supposed to know he was biased against toes?"

Harry’s lip protruded a bit more as he stared down at his bare toes that were peeking out from under the overlarge black trousers he had borrowed off of someone’s laundry line special for his intake meeting on his first day.

Severus sighed, and reached out, carding his long fingers through the boy’s messy mass of hair, making the pout disappear and begin to purr, “I know that little things like shoes don’t mean anything to you, not for a long time now, but you need to observe at least some of the niceties of this new world we are trying to make a home in, and I can't explain to others for you that you fell off your rocker ages ago Mr. Potter.”

“I still don’t see why I have to go to school,” Harry grumbled, but not sulkily, since Severus had found that spot on the back of his head that he so liked being scratched. Severus had long ago learned that his charge was somewhat touch starved, a bit of a friendly touch and he was at least able to stay still for a time to appreciate, and less annoyingly impertinent.

“You need some sort of more permanent, _legitimate_ presence in this world, and you need a high school education to make something of yourself in this place. You can’t keep stealing forever, and you can’t keep squatting in abandoned buildings and empty apartments.”

Severus removed his hand, making Harry mue in disappointment, “now eat your…lunch and we must be off to your next class.”

Harry’s mood brightened when he beheld his cafeteria trey which held a single plate with a jiggling green jello mold.

Harry dug in happily, “I love lime jello! Whoever invented this stuff must be a genius!”

Severus sniffed in disapproval, conjuring a book and settled to read. That last time he had seen something like that, it had been a potions accident and it had nearly eaten his classroom and some of his students.

Harry was just about to take a bite of his new favorite jiggly treat in his little isolated corner humming the Jello jingle under his breath, when the walls suddenly rudely exploded inward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) A quote from "Alice in Wonderland" books by Lewis Carroll.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry blinked as screaming teenagers and faculty scattered around, debris peppering the air.

“Well, I will say that these ill dressed…individuals do know how to make an entrance,” Severus mused, quirking an eyebrow as he snapped his book shut with a resigned air.

“You would know Mister “ensnare the senses”’ Harry snarked, though his eyes were on the three individuals currently demanding for Spiderman or hostages (a fresh supply of students whose lunches had also been rudely interrupted) would be picked off one by one.

Harry’s eyes lit up, “do you think that Spiderman does go here?” he said excitedly to Severus.

“Considering his mouthy attitude and bumbling incompetence, it would not surprise me if he was a minor,” Severus mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Harry giggled, swatting the other man on the shoulder, tsking, "Really Sev, he’s not so bad.”

The hook-nosed man's eyes narrow. 

“i told you never to call me that Brat," then turned his attention to the matter st hand, "From what I’ve seen, he’s a twit with brief moments of competency and a lot of sheer dumb luck…much like a certain someone.”

Harry rolled his eyes as he picked up his snack and sauntered to the front of the bystanders, slurping his jello and watching as a group of three teens were surrounded by the three that called themselves the Frightful Four.

This made Harry giggle, then he began laughing uproariously, leaning against a rather perturbed looking random bystander.

This caught the attention of the supervillians naturally.

Suddenly the students around him were scarce, and he was standing alone near the gawking teen threesome that had held previous focus.

“What’s is so funny shrimp?” one of the irrate villians growled. Harry squinted between giggles, was he some sort of robot? A cosplayer?

“Are you a robot cosplayer?” Harry asked curiously, startling the Supervillian as he circled the shiny bipedal…man?

The principal, who was currently floating in midair nearby, stared over at his students, took one look at who was seconds away from being pulverized and groaned.

“I am not a cosplying robot!” the villain in red and purple body suit with metal face and claw like appendage snapped, pointing said claw at the teen and snarled “I am Claw! I am made of living sound!”

Harry sidestepped the invisible concussion sound wave, and began circling the costumed woman next, dodging out of the way of her swing fist, which left a large hole in the floor, quickly board by her, Super strength, yawn. That was as common as ‘Smith’ in this world.

Then he stood in front of the purple dude levitating his new principal, raising an eyebrow, “And your what…Grapes of Wrath-man?”

This one had a few more brain cells and was a bit quicker then the other two, likely the impormptu leader, and shot a glowing disk at him.

Harry, out of curiosity, let the device impact, and suddenly found himself floating in the air.

“Now that the distractions are out of the way…as I was saying….ahem, we know that Spiderman attends this school and-”

“Weeeee!”

“Stop that! You are not supposed to be having fun you little hooligan! You are supposed to be a good little hostage and tremble before the awesome power of The Wizard!’

There was a moment of blessed silence, the damned little nuisance- was he barefoot? Ug! How unsanitary!- had stilled, frozen mid pinwheel. He smirked when the little twerp even began to tremble a little. Good! Finally! Some respect!

“Now,” he directed to the frozen teenagers, “our reliable source of information suggests-“

*snort*.

“-suggest that-“

*snicker*

The Wizard actually whirled around and yelled in a high pitched voice of frustration, “WHAT!!?”

Harry finally couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst into laughter again. He was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and was gasping for air.

“Oh Merlin!” Harry manged to choke out, “oh great Merlin’s balls!”

“WHAT IS SO FUNNY!?”

Harry cackled, “are you kidding? The Wizard? that is the most hilarious thing ever! if you knew! ho! ho! The biggest inside joke ever!” *Cackle.*

“I AM NOT A JOKE! I AM DANGEROUS!’ to emphasize his point, the man flung Harry, still laughing, through the air and towards the wall, followed by the principal, who had the good sense to be terrified and screamed.

Harry just giggled as he was, of course, easily caught by Severus, who was suddenly between him and the wall, and Harry in turn, caught the principal, though it all happened so quickly, and a satisfying impact crater showed that at least one if not both thrown individuals might have shucked their mortal coil.

This caused several students to scream in horror, some even breaking out into hysterial tears.

The Principal, alive though he would feel it in his everything later, had landed with his student behind a pile of upturned tables, had fainted from the stress of it all, leaving Harry, who was actually perfectly fine and dandy thanks to Severus’ quick reflexes, and in the clear to watch the ensuing events while Severus chided him for being a dithering, Dunderheaded Nincompoop while he pulled himself out of his own impact crater, highly disgruntled.

Severus of course was beyond a little thing like mortal injury by thus point.

More students and tables went floating by now, another student was being tortured, some of the student body tried to protect themselves by throwing food, which was Harry’s third favorite part of his first day at school, behind floating and Spiderman finally making an appearance.

It all kind of ended on a hiatus though when the sound of police sirens finally made their appearance, and the Supervillian group hightailed it along with Spiderman before they could really get into it.

Harry grinned as he cheerfully picked up his much larger principal in a fireman’s carry as he followed another student who ran onto the scene, Peter Parker from his History class he thought, accompanied by a man named Osbourne, who picked up what appeared to be his unconscious son, carrying him outside to the unloading ambulance.

Harry handed his load off to the other ambulance that showed up and, since he had nothing better to do, also climbed into the ambulance at the insistence of the attendants when they learned he had also been tossed into the wall as well, and rode with the bustling, and very efficient, crew. He supposed that working in a city constantly hit by super battles made you pretty good at your job.

Harry managed to separate himself from the crowd upon arrival, the medics to busy with the more seriously injured and traumatized to note his absence, and wandered the hospital out of curiosity, amused to find that, while rather identical to the few muggle hospitals from his own home that he had traversed a time or two, this one actually had special units that said things like “Atmospheric Mutations,” “Cybernetics Department,” “Elemental Calamities” “Psychic Attack” and so forth. There was even a room that contained several large tanks filled with different types of water. One of them, labeled “Deep Sea Salination-Atlantian” held a rather grumpy looking man in green scaly briefs and tiny wings on his ankles He was wrapped in some sort of water-friendly bandages and hooked up to a bunch of water friendly wires.

There was a sign tapped to the side near his chart that read in bold letters:

_Warning: Tap on glass at own peril._

Severus seemed reluctantly impressed by the variety of unique treatment facilities, especially coming from muggles.

During his wanderings he found himself pausing outside of Osborn Junior’s room. He was still unconscious by the looks of it, the light bout of torture must have effected him more then Harry had surmised initially, and felt a glimmer of sudden sympathy for the father who was sitting by his bedside holding his hand.

Harry wandered in soundlessly, peeking over the man’s shoulder.

The two were near identical with flaming hair of red, though Norman Osbourn had a few distinguished streaks of grey, and fit urban athlete bodies and the perfect skin and general body maintenance of the well off that could fork out for weekly manscaping sesh and Spa Days.

Mr. Osbourne looked deeply troubled, a bit guilty even, though Harry supposed that most parents might look like that in a situation like this.

Harry suddenly felt a bout of unexpected envy. This Harry was so lucky! To have a father, or some parental figure really, to sit with them. He had never really been on the receiving end of such an experience, and he certainly was not going to be having any kids of his own to be the giver in such a situation.

Harry hummed thoughtfully to himself, and could pratcially feel Severus’ glare where he loomed over his shoulder.

“Don’t you even think about it,” Severus hissed, “The boy will recover eventually, there is no need to complicate things for yourself by…”

Harry smiled innocently and held out his hand and rested it on the older red head's shoulder.

Osborne stiffened in surprise to the initial touch, but then slumped over, snoring lightly.

“...Doing that,” Severus finished with a disgruntled sigh.

Harry just shrugged and leaned over, eyeing the comatose red-headed teen, idly wondering if they shared any classes as he rested his hand on the other Harry’s bandaged head for a moment.

The hospital room was utterly silent, a nearby clock ticking over less then a minute before Harry gave a satisfied sort of noise then stepped back, smiling when, for the briefest of moments, Harry Osborne’s eyes fluttered open in confusion, then closed again, settling into a healthy deep sleep.

“You are such a Gryfindor,” Severus sighed for the umpteenth time from beside his charge as the two left the small family of two to rest.

Harry snickered, but staggered in the hall as a sudden wave of tiredness overtook him.

Severus sighed, picking up the slight young man and held him close as he silently carried his charge, sneaking them out of the hospital, “You know that using strong magic like that makes you weak,” the dark figure sighed, “and of course, your not listening,” he griped as Harry’s obnoxious snoring serenaded their hasty retreat.


End file.
